The Horror of it all!!!

Well, I am back from a week of camping. Which may or may not have involved some roasted marshmallows. And my Dad's yummy beef roast over the fire, with mashed taters and some homemade rolls w/ homemade butter. (He made it in a dutch oven - over an open fire and they were perfect! Go Dad!) :)

Sadly, all that vacation munching led to more pounds on me. It is amazing how fast the weight comes back on. Now granted, I have been eating like there is no tomorrow. I have felt totally out of control as far as my food intake has been. I don't know what caused the loss of control...I only know that it began in March, and has hopefully ended in June.

I am feeling optimistic today....mainly because I am typing this post in the day time....not at night, after stuffing myself all day, when it is very easy to declare that "tomorrow is the day I get back on track!" The next morning I would wake up hungry, and decide that maybe I would get in one more day of eating the things I had missed before I "got back on the wagon". So stupid...but I know I am not the only one who says stuff like that. I mean I read the blogs. :)

Anyway, today, I did the unthinkable. I got on the scale. Which I have avoided for a whole month. The past month of eating did me no favors..up 11 pounds. To a high of 357. Eek. I cannot believe that in 4 months, I packed back on 44 lbs. All that hard work, down the toilet. However, it was a simple sign to me that at least all was not lost. I had stopped myself before I ended up back at 395. Whew! I feel good today. I feel in control again for some reason. Have not felt this way for MONTHS. Started out with some plain scrambled eggs for breakfast, w/ a grapefruit and coffee. Lunch was a biggie salad w/ some lean ham, cheese, a few raisins, and some lowfat dressing. It tasted good.

Part of my food "problem" these past few months was that I felt bored by what I had been eating. I was tired of making healthy foods, tired of cooking chicken and making salads. I wanted a burger! One I could buy, not make. I wanted to eat out and not worry about every calorie. I just wanted to not focus on every thing I put in my mouth. I was tired of it.

Well, my little break was nice in that respect. I certainly didn't count calories. I got a nice long time away from the scale. But the price for all that freedom was high....44 lbs and poorer health, to be exact. I feel tired now, my energy is low, and my knees ache again. But not for long I hope. This has been a hard lesson, but I have learned that it is not a good idea to "take a break" for any reason. It is too hard for me to get back up and start again. It has taken me 1/3 of a year to do that, and I regained more than half of what I had lost. BUT, (and now we are talking huge butt!) I am back at it.

Thank you to all the supporters and friends out there who are still reading this and have urged me to not give up. I was listening, and I am ready! You guys are the best!

And now I am off to take my son to a fun summer fest at a nearby rescue horse farm. Should involve lots of walking, and I am ready for it! :) Let the exercise begin!! :)

Yes, I have been avoiding my blog..

It is difficult to blog when you are out of control with eating. It is really, really, hard to step on the scale too. But today, I am doing both. I am blogging, though I am not liking it, and I stepped on the scale, which I really didn't like. I am up to 346. I cannot believe it. Well, I can. I mean, I know what I have been eating, and I know what my body does when I am not super careful with what I eat. So I am up by 33 lbs in about the last 2 months. 10 weeks if I am counting, but I obviously haven't been counting anything lately. Ha ha! (Small joke for some levity.)

Anyway, you would think I would be depressed, but honestly I am not. I am determined. Determined to make tomorrow the day I get back on track and start eating only healthy foods. No processed carbs, no sugar, no candy or cookies or cake. No chips, no chocolate. Nothing that packs on the pounds.

Of course, have you ever noticed how easy it is to make a promise like that when you have a full stomach? And late at night? Sooooo easy. But hard to keep in the light of day, in the middle of a stressful day at work and legitimate hunger. However, I am determined to give it the old college try...because I am never, ever going to throw in the towel on my life. I want to live, and losing weight is the only way I will get that life! I will post in tomorrow night, and let you know how it is going!

Helllllppppp!

Okay, I feel helpless. I really do. Do you know how you feel when you are trying to eat healthy, trying to eat right, and yet keep shoving junk in your mouth all day? That is where I am. Any semblance of control or healthy eating is out the door.

Yet every morning I wake up determined to get back on track. It is horrible. I know I can never give up, but I am feeling so blah about how out of control I am, and hating how I am gaining weight again instead of losing, that I feel really awful.

Anyway, I just want to touch base with all my blogger friends and tell you that I am alive, and I know I will get back into it again soon! I just want to feel healthy again, and lose more. I know I can do it, I just have to stop this vicious cycle. Hope you all have wonderful Memorial Day weekend!!

Making Plans to Get back at it!

As many of you know, I have been struggling of late. Struggling to eat right and exercise. My knee is feeling much better, and I could definitely do walking again, but I just haven't. I have been eating junk, and LOTS of it, and I am not sure why.

Today, I was talking to a friend who also struggles w/ weight loss. She had just signed up for a program like Optifast, and I was trying to talk her out of it. I told her: "The 'secret' to weight loss is simply this : eating healthy foods, within a certain calorie range, and increasing your activity and exercise". The Optifast type plan she was going to start involved only liquids and bars, and was a miniscule 880 calories a day. I had done Optifast in the past, and though I lost weight on it, I re-set my metabolism so low, I had a hard time losing weight after a certain time, and when I began eating real food again, all of the weight came back. Oh, and did I mention I needed my gall bladder removed after the Optifast session?

As I was talking to my friend, I felt like I was talking to myself. I really need to get my act together. Tomorrow I am counting calories again. I am cooking my veggies, and eating apples, and lean meats. I am getting on the scale in the morning, though it will probably make me weep. :) I am NOT going to gain all the weight back that I have lost. It must stop now. And it will. I am going to tap back into that "secret" that I know works. Thanks for all your encouraging thoughts and comments. It is a lifelong journey and struggle, but it is nice to have such good friends along the way!

I am still here!

Just wanted to send out a quick "hi!" to everyone still reading this blog. :) I have been spending some time at my parent's house over the Easter Break, and SHOCKINGLY, they have no internet access!!

To complicate matters, I fell running up the stairs (takes talent to do that) and cut a big laceration in my right knee on Wednesday night a week ago, and have 9 staples in it right now. I am not supposed to be bending it, so stairs are not fun. Since I have been home, I haven't been downstairs much, and that is where the computer is. Plus the idea of catching up on all my emails and blogs was overwhelming!

Food wise I am still struggling. Sadly, I cannot exercise right now, and that is another stumbling block. However, yesterday my goal was not to eat any chocolate or Easter Candy at ALL. I was able to do that, so I am happy about at least doing one right thing. Now to cut out all JUNK completely and get back to losing weight. I am SO ready!

I think it is about time for an update!

I can't believe I haven't posted for four days!! I meant to, and just got crazy busy. ("Busy eating everything in sight?" you may be thinking.) Ha ha. Not really. I did make it to almost three days with the juice fast. But then Friday afternoon I began to get a headache every time I stood up, and I truly just didn't feel great. I was at work, and since I take care of little kids as a nurse, I didn't feel it was wise to continue to fast at that point.

I broke my fast with a salad, and it sure was good! I have not really gone overboard with food since then, but I haven't been super-restrictive either. It felt so good to be in control and not be eating those three days. I loved the way I felt physically also, until that last afternoon. I would do it again definitely.

But for now, I must survive a 4 day weekend at my parents, full of Easter goodies. I am so sad that I have been struggling to lose anything since November of last year. What wasted time! I really need to get my act together, but sometimes it seems impossible. It is amazing that food can have that much of a stronghold over me. Sad, really.

I hope everyone has a blessed Easter. I'll check in again when I get back!

Day 2 is OVER!

Last night was definitely the hardest night I have had. Overall the hunger hasn't been unbearble....and I have felt very good for the most part. But last night around 9:30 pm, I felt really "empty". :) I toyed long and hard with the idea of breaking the fast, but in the end did not. I know that hunger is a part of denying yourself food, and it is inevitable. But I have not suffered w/ the weakness, the headaches, the dizziness, anything I thought I might. Since the whole purpose of this fast was to get control over the hold that food had on me, I didn't want to cave into it so quickly.

I am glad I didn't. I feel great this morning. I have no hunger right now, and I hope I have passed the hunger stage. I want to continue this for the full seven days if possible....I want to make sure that all cravings for unhealthy food are gone for a long time!

It amazes me that I am starting my 3rd day of fasting from food. I never in a million years would imagine that I would voluntarily do such a thing! I am surprising myself. Well, I must get ready and go to work. One nice side effect of fasting is that you have more time for other things when you do not spend it preparing, eating, and thinking of meals. It is a nice break. :)

The Weigh In.....Dun dun dun dunnnnnn......

Well, I promised I would weigh in on April 1st. Today is the day. I have mentioned that I have been out of control with my food/eating for the past month. Well, that was reflected in my weigh in. I gained 14 lbs, and am up to 327. I knew it would be bad.

The good news is that I have almost made it through Day One of my juice fast. I can't believe it. In the past, I have never fasted. Ever. The thought of going without food scared me. I am the kind of person who goes to a dinner at someone else's house, and tries to figure out if there is going to be enough food for everyone. I do not like being without food.

Although I have done well with healthy eating this past year, I hesitated to restrict myself too much, for the fear it would become a "Diet" and not a lifestyle. The idea of fasting was not pleasant to me. But strangely enough, once I made the decision to fast, I felt relieved this time. I was looking forward to it. Forward to the control I hoped to gain when I fasted. Don't get me wrong, I know fasting to lose weight is not a good option. In fact, that is not why I am doing this. I want to gain my control back, and stop the cravings. I have done Opti-fast in the past, lost a lot of weight, gained it all back plus. I know fasting for weight loss isn't the answer.

But strangely, today was good. No, make that GREAT. I was hungry, but it was bearable. I made it through, my blood sugar was fine, I didn't feel weak or headachey, or tired. I felt good. I didn't mind not eating. I was happy not to have to make a food choice, (healthy or otherwise.)

I will let you know how Day 2 goes tomorrow. They say the hunger fades after 1-2 days. Like I said, I don't know because I have only ever fasted to get blood work done before. (Optifast doesn't count, because they have shakes and soups and supplements as well.) It sure feels good to feel free from that compulsion to eat junk!

I Have to do it.....

Tomorrow and for the next seven days, I am going to do a Juice Fast. I really feel as if I have lost all semblance of control when it comes to my eating. Each day I get up and start anew, and I ask God for help in controlling what I eat. Each afternoon I come home from school and I just eat. And eat. And eat. I don't want to think about what I am eating, I just want to shovel it in. It has to stop.

I feel like I am totally abusing my body, showing disrespect to it and to God by eating in this manner. So I have decided to do a fast for a week. I don't think I could do water only, but I am going to do my best to do a juice only fast. If I feel shaky or sick, I may do one with protein shakes, but I would like to do just juice if I can. I want to detoxify and cleanse myself from the JUNK I have been eating, and get away from food period. I have to stop the hold that it has on me right now, and deny myself what I want most....which is food. Food, food and more food. Not food for sustenance. Not food for energy. But food for food's sake. Food for entertainment, enjoyment, satisfaction. This week, I want to find my satisfaction away from food, and nearer to God.

It is not even about the number on the scale anymore. Which I am sure is way up. It is about my relationship to food, and my warped view right now. I want to honor God in all that I do, and right now I am not honoring Him at all with my eating habits. If you are a believer, please add me to your prayer list this week...I am surely going to need the extra prayers!

I'm Not So Sure Avoiding the Scale was Smart....

It has been three weeks since I have weighed in. THough I have enjoyed not weighing in, and I have LOVED not having the scale hanging over me, I am not sure it was a good idea to stop weighing. I can feel that my weight is up. Significantly.

The main problem is that I have lost control. Now to be honest, whether I was weighing or not, I still think I would be in this situation. I could feel it coming on. I just did NOT want to think about planning meals or eating healthy, or anything! I just wanted a break. The sad part is, once I stop that tight rein on what I eat, I get into vicious cycles of cravings, and it is so hard to stop.

I am trying to stop right now. I will be weighing in on April 1st. It is not going to be pretty. My meals and snacks lately have been ugly. But,and this is a huge butt...(tee hee)...I am never giving up. I will persevere, and get back on track. I must, for myself and my son. I will not give up the fight!

Stir Fried Rice...without the Rice!

Howdy Bloggees! :) Things have been going pretty well food-wise. I feel better, and I am enjoying eating the apples, veggies, and chicken again. And I have eaten a lot of Stir Fry this week. "Why?", you may ask. Well, I will tell you.

About two weeks ago, my MIL made some delicious Shrimp Fried Rice. It was sooooo good. She stir fried chopped snap peas, mushrooms, carrots, onions, and rice in some olive oil, then added a scrambled egg. Her only seasonings were S&P and soy sauce. It was truly delicious! I found myself craving it this week. So I decided to make something similar. I chopped up a ton of veggies, all different kinds, and stir fried them in a small amt of olive oil. Added the egg, but skipped the rice. Also put in some diced chicken. S&P and soy sauce as well. It was great! I have been eating it all week. And still like it! Truly I don't miss the rice that much, and this makes it all healthy, though a bit high in sodium. It has helped me to stay on track this week.

I have decided that I am still not weighing in tomorrow though. I don't know how Angie will deal with that....if she has to take me out of the challenge, I understand. I emailed her to explain what I was doing at the start of this month by not weighing. It has truly helped me to feel better about where I am in this journey right now, to not have to look at that scale! I am going to wait until April 1st to weigh myself. I surely hope it is at least even. Maybe even lower. That would be awesome. But either way, it has been a gift to just not worry about it.

I think the detox was delayed......

Well, I had good intentions. Always seems that way. However, I have found myself making really unhealthy choices this week. My uncle unexpectedly died on Monday. I know that I am sometimes an emotional eater. In other words, to try not to think about things, I will distract myself with food. Or I will eat to increase the release of endorphins, to feel better. The loss of my uncle triggers many sad feelings about the loss of my own husband 4 years ago, and I have been trying to be very supportive of my aunt. I just have not felt like working/focusing on the diet or the exercise. It has been the last thing on my mind.

To top it all off, I was away this weekend, at a hotel that had food included in the weekend. Since of course I was not eating healthy all week, I extended that this weekend. So silly.

Anyway, I feel like I REALLY need to start eating healthy again. I don't feel great when I am indulging in the foods that are not good for me, and I am ready to get back on the treadmill too. I have to do it. And I will. Next week I have to weigh in again for the challenge. At least I will have one good week under my belt. Hope you are all doing better than I am!!

Let the Detox begin!!

The liberation from my scale has also brought along with it some feelings of "Oh, go ahead and have some icecream, or donut, or chips, etc....you don't have to weigh in for 3 weeks. THIS WILL NOT CONTINUE. I do not want to have a "free for all" with food, or I will be up 15 pounds at my next weighin.

Therefore, I have decided to put myself on a detox plan starting tomorrow morning. I want to stay away from all breads and pastas, refined carbs, etc, for at least one week. Just fruits, veggies, and lean proteins to eat. I usually start to feel so much better and just "leaner" when I do that. It also gives me the energy to add that exercise back into it, and hopefully at the previous level.

I really want to give it my all these next few weeks, and see a nice loss when I step on that scale again. I especially want to show my fitness coach that I wanted a break from the scale not to go hog wild, but just to stop the focus on the numbers every day. Thanks for all the words of support, and the suggestions. I am definitely going to mix it up a little, and add in a LOT more exercise! You guys are the best.

Say Goodbye to My Scale.....

I have made a decision. I am obsessing about the number on the scale way too much right now. I find myself stepping on and off, and hating how much my weight loss has slowed down. I compare myself to the Biggest Losers (both on TV and in this challenge!), and I HATE IT. I hate what I have become...happy if it shows a loss.... disappointed if it is the same...tense if it shows a gain. I am tired of focusing on the numbers. I think it is starting to lead me to self-sabotage.

So I am putting the scale away. For at least two weigh ins. (I still want to be able to remain in the challenge, but I am going to purposefully not post my weight for two times, so that I can go w/out weighing for about 3 weeks.) I will weigh in again in time to not be kicked out. But I think I need this for my sanity. I want to go back to basics again, eating all the right things, exercising properly, and NOT getting bent out of shape by what the scale does or doesn't say. I have to do it. And I surely hope it doesn't backfire! :)

I have been on this healthy life journey for about a year now, and the excitement is LONG gone. It is motivating when you are eating right and see the pounds coming off. But when you are doing the same things and the pounds are not budging, it becomes scary. Scary because I think: "Is this it? Do I have to increase my exercise to Biggest Loser amounts to lose anymore weight? Do I have to restrict my calories further? Cut out all simple pleasures? Lop off my left leg? What else do I have to do to lose weight again at a decent rate??"

I do know that the answer does not lie in stepping on and off the scale several times a day. That is for sure. I will never give up this fight to lose more weight, but I can certainly make the journey more pleasant, and right now that means not seeing my shiny Healthometer staring at me from the hall each morning! Naggy little thing. :)

Oops, I did it again!

I caved at my parent's house this weekend. It is not anyone's fault but my own. My Mom and Dad are great about making healthy food for me while we are there. But I just feel like a different person when I am around my family. I feel like the Old Sue, who ate whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted it. And there are lots of snacks available in their house....sitting around....tempting me all the time. Things I could easily resist at home seem to have a special lure. It is weird.

Anyway, I did not do very well this weekend. And as I suspected, it has been hard to get back on track.I am hungry this week too, after not being real hungry last week because I was sick. Not a good combination.

Tomorrow night I am going out with some friends to a long-planned dinner date at The Cheesecake Factory. That does not thrill me right now. The company does, but even if I am careful, I probably will not come out ahead if I eat at that restaurant.

But I am giving it my best, and I am never, ever, ever giving up!! I will persevere, and get it together enough to at least break even this week. :)

Heading home for the weekend..

Well, this weekend will be full of challenges. I am heading home for a birthday party weekend at my parent's house. My whole family will be there. There will be cake, and FOOD, and did I mention food?

I am feeling a little better too, which means I am getting hungry. Food/hungry...not a good combination.

However, I am going to try really hard to watch my intake. I am tired of indulging on "special occasions" and throwing myself off track for 2-3 weeks. It has got to end. So here is to a loss tomorrow morning..and hopefully one next week too! :)

Crab soup and macaroni..

It's just that kind of night. I still feel sick, and have had a stuffy head, relentless cough, and no energy since Sunday. I can't take off work to recover, because there is no one to cover for me, and if I did stay away, my work would be tripled when I returned. Blech. It could be worse though...I mean I can get through the day, it is just trying to sleep at night that is hard, because I can't breathe through my nose. Anyway, enough whining. :)

Being sick has one great side effect for me...I really have no appetite for the unhealthy stuff, because I can't taste much. So this week I have easily stayed on track. Still haven't hit the exercise properly, because it makes my coughing so much worse.

Tonight I got home and made some macaroni with marinara sauce for my son. It was a high fiber pasta, and it looked good after I made it, so I ate some of that myself with a little light butter instead of sauce on it. Then I had a bowl of crab soup that I had made last month and frozen. It worked for dinner, and I probably am done for the night. I am really hoping for a good week on the scale, though the lack of exercise may throw a wrench in that plan!

Review: McDonald's Cafe Cappucino

Today as I was leaving work, I was cold and hungry. My son wanted to get his once weekly treat of McDonald's, because he was hungry too. (I am trying to wean him off of fast food altogether...but it is slow going!) So we went through the drive thru. He got his little nuggets and fries, and I had a coupon for a free medium McCafe coffee. I decided on a cappucino, w/ fat free milk. The board outside said they had SF syrups, but when I requested one, apparently, they were out, so I got it plain, and added Equal myself. (Which is really hard w/ a cappucino, because it just sits on top of the foam!)

It was a delicious cappucino, I have to say. What was great about it was the amount of milk foam that they made. It had so much! Usually most of it dissolves quickly, but this foam stayed around to the very end, and made it seem like more of a decadent treat. The milk part filled me up with a "healthy" protein, and I felt both warm and filled up after I finished it. Today, on this cold windy day, it hit the spot.

I think I would get one again, but I have to check the price. :) I didn't even pay attention to that today, because I was getting it free! I have a hard time paying more than two bucks for a cup of coffee. Starbucks gal I am not. I am too cheap! (Though I love to go there on a gift card!)

Eating this week is still going well, but exercise not so much. I have another rotten cold/sinus infection (not a selling point mentioned when interviewing for the school nurse position, but definitely part of the package deal), and am so stuffed up, my head feels like a log! It is hard for me to exercise when I have slept poorly b/c I can't breathe, and then get pounding headaches when I do get my HR up. I feel like I have been sick more than not this winter, but that's okay. One nice thing about colds is that for me it decreases my appetite a bit, and that is always a plus!! :)

Pancakes on the brain, and other things.....

This morning I tried to make some pancakes that were kind of nutritious. They included oatmeal, and egg beaters, and some pumpkin, along w/ a tiny bit of ww flour and some spices. I have to say they hit the spot, and were probably not any worse than a bowl of trumped-up oats. I have had pancakes on my mind since seeing that clip of "Nannerpus" on Pasta Queen's site. My son and I have been falling into fits of giggles about it intermittently, as one of us will shout out "Nannerpus!" and start waving our arms around. We especially love when one of Nannerpus's peel arms smacks himself in the eye, and the eye falls off. (I have really never grown up.) Of course Nannerpus is sitting on a pile of pancakes, and though I am not a real pancake fan, once in every great while, I just want some!

Today, being Saturday we are off. I have a memorial prayer service to go to tonight, but otherwise my day is free. I am going to try and get in some strength training (sorry TJ, I really dropped the ball with our challenge), and then some cardio exercise. Need to clean and do mundane things like laundry as well. Last night I cleaned out my fridge, and wow, does it look spacious now! Got rid of some salad dressing of the 2006 era, and made room for lots of fresh veggies. I have been on a cucumber kick lately. Love them seeded and sliced w/ a bit of vinegar, splenda, S&P,and a dash of oil to soak in. Tastes so good and refreshing.

Overall I had a good week since Sunday. I managed to lose the 6 lbs I had gained, plus 0.4 more. Glad about that. I really want to pump it up, and manage two or three good weeks in a row, and get out of the 3-teens for good! I am so sick of the 300's, and thought I would be long gone by now!

Have a great weekend everybody! :)

Smooshed Strawberry Stuff

The day before yesterday I had bought a bag of frozen organic strawberries that were on sale. By the time I got home to put them away, they had thawed quite a bit, and were getting mushy. I decided to let them thaw almost all the way, and then squished them in the bag, until they were really smooshed. I added a bit of splenda, and then looked in the fridge for a vehicle for said smooshed strawberries. There it was: a fat free plain greek style yogurt from Trader Joe's. I added a little Splenda and some vanilla, and stirred it up. Then put in the strawberries, and a dollop of SF Cool Whip. Stirred it all again. It is so very yummy, I am amazed I never thought of this before! I had tried it with just cool whip, but I am trying to get away from the processed foods as much as I can, and I wanted the healthy aspects of the yogurt. This tastes like a really good dessert. Kind of cheesecakey, or moussey. The strawberries add an intense flavor, because they get all juicy when squished.

Still feeling good as far as the healthy eating is. Not having the cravings, back to loving lean meats, salads, and veggies. Not really eating just for the "fun" of it. Thank goodness. I still need to work on increasing my exercise, but overall, I feel so much better already, and the scale is going down.

My little boy has strep, so we are home today. I hope to catch up on some exercising, and some cleaning. The house really needs it! :) I could use the exercise from the cleaning too! Hope everyone is having a good week!

I'm Back in the Game, Baby!

Do you know how you suddenly get "in the zone" of weight loss, and it is not a struggle every minute? You feel like you could go on resisting cake or cookies forever, and are willingly eating cucumbers and carrots because you WANT TO? You look at others and wonder why they are having such a hard time sticking to healthy eating. (Hate to admit I do this one, but I do. I am not judging, because believe me, I have been there. But it seems SO easy, and you wonder why it is not easy for others. It is like you get insomnia about the first 30 years of your life or so.) You have a spryness to your step, and you don't have to drag yourself outside to walk, or get on the treadmill? What in the world is that, and why does it come and leave so randomly? If I could just package and sell that feeling, I would be a millionaire. A THIN millionaire.

Sadly, for me, I have found that feeling comes and goes. And boy, when it leaves town, so does my penchant for healthy eating and exercise. I am such a fickle girl. I hate the feeling of helplessness that replaces the "in the zone" feeling. Hate it. I can't stand sitting around, not wanting to exercise. I hate feeling sick of watching every morsel I put in my mouth. Just tired of it all.

However, I LOVE, love, the in-control, take-charge feeling of being "in the zone". Today was just such a day. Had a fake Egg McMuffin for breakfast, with an apple and some coffee. Lunch was at a pizza restaurant (all-day meeting and I had no choice of the restaurant.) Everyone else had pizza, I had salad w/ turkey on top. It was no biggie. No craving and drooling over pizza. I WANTED the salad. Weird. Snack was cottage cheese and a banana. Home again, and I had a bunch of stir fried veggies w/ some chicken. A small plate, not a gargantuous one like I have been using lately. Dessert? A bunch of thawed frozen strawberries, smooshed, with some SF cool whip squished around. Really, really good. I think I am done for the night. Yes! Amazing. I am not sitting here longing for chocolate, or cookies, or anything really. I am a little cold, so hot tea sounds nice, but that is doable. I can't believe it. I am back. I just hope this streak holds! I am ready to be losing again!

Today is the DAY!

Okay, no more fooling around! I am off today, thankfully, since I work in the public school system. So I am using today to make up a complete menu, AND MEALS, to eat this week. I am going to stick 100% to those menus and meals, with no deviations. I will exercise daily. I will not touch candy, or cookies, or cake, or anything with sugar this week.

I so need to get back on track. Since talking to my fitness coach last week, I have just lost control. And I don't know why. But I am back in the saddle again, and I am going to have a tremendous week. Stay tuned! :)

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Well, I knew the weigh in would stink. The good news is that it was less than ten pounds. The bad news is that it is more than five. The ugly news is that I am still having trouble getting completely back on track.

Yesterday was really challenging. I ate very lightly all day (maybe that was a mistake), because I knew I had an outing to the dreaded Chuck E.Cheeses in the afternoon. Started out well with a salad, but then caved and had a couple of slices of pizza.

I did have a major victory that night when I wanted some iced cookies and pretzels that my son had made for me at school. I resisted those, which felt good. I am back at it today, and hope to make good choices all day long. I am never, ever giving up, and I am hoping that those 6 lbs are mostly fluid retention. I am tired of struggling, and I am ready to be back in full-force, making that scale go down!!

I am soooo ready for this week to end.

I don't know what is wrong with me this week. I start every morning fresh and in control. Get on the treadmill before work, have a healthy breakfast, hit the road. Good day during the day, healthy snacks and lunch. A-Ok. Then I get home. THUD. For some reason, I want to inhale anything and everything. It is not that I am physically hungry. I am mind-hungry.I just want to eat foods that I know are not good for me.

One day this week I stopped at McDonalds for my son. I have cut my son's visits to McDonalds down to once a week, total, if at all. Eventually I would like to make it once every two weeks, then once a month, etc. I am slowly weaning him off. :) Anyway, when I go, I usually get nothing or a salad. This week, I actually ordered a small hamburger. And ate a few of his fries. And then they had accidently put an extra 4 nuggets in his happy meal. I ate those. I don't know what is possessing me! I haven't eaten that junk in a very, very long time.

After I get home, I had the mind-set of "oh, I have eaten things I shouldn't have....I might as well have some chocolate too, since I'm already off for the day." So lame, but it worked for me! :) Chocolate was followed by Cheetos, and then a poptart. "A poptart!" you shriek in horror. Yes, total non-nutritive junk. Sadly, I can feel that I am way up on the scale. I hate to weigh in tomorrow. Really, really dread it. I know I have not eaten more than 7000 extra calories this week, so I should have only gained max of 2 lbs, based on pure mathematics of calories in and calories out. But knowing my body, I gained 10. So sorry A Team. I will get it together as soon as I can. Hopefully from this point on. That is my plan.

Struggling...still struggling

I am having a tough time this week for some reason. All I want to do is eat. I was reading an excellent post by Lyn, from Escape from Obesity blog, and all I could do was nod my head in agreement when she described how binge behaviors occur. This has happened to me twice this week, and I don't know what starts it, or why I do it. Truly it is like an alien takes over my body and just eats! It leaves you feeling horrible, both physically and mentally.

I called to talk to my fitness coach yesterday. He has suggested mixing things up. Trying to increase the cardio, and then varying my intake. Some days eating 1400 cals, then others 1800 or 1900 calories. (My usual intake is 1700 calories.) I know that I need to do something to get back into it and start losing again. I have basically been stuck at the same weight for about three months, and I am so ready to go down under 300 lbs.

It is at least nice to know that many of you struggle with these same issues of wanting to eat things that are not good for us. I hope to someday not be tempted by foods I should not eat, but I have a feeling that day is a LONG time coming.
Nevertheless, I shall not give up, and I am going to give it my all for the rest of the week before weigh-in.

I wish Valentine's day was gone already!

Chocolate overload. It is everywhere. In pictures, in ads on TV, in every aisle of the store. I LOVE chocolate. But I just can't eat that stuff very much anymore. And yet it is taunting me.

My Dad gave me a big Russell Stover's heart filled with chocolates this week. It is a tradition. He has always given my mom and his three daughters chocolates for Valentine's Day. When he gave it to me Sunday, he did say..."I know you might not want this, but if you don't, you can take it to work and they will eat it."

Well, he was wrong...I DID want it. Badly. But I just can't. My mom said..."just have one every few days." She is good at that kind of thing, I am not. I opened the box on the way home. I decided to just have my favorite. One turned into six before I slammed the lid on.

The next day, I took it to work. I walked by the box all day long, never touched another candy. They are gone. Whew! But I know more candy will be back until Valentine's Day is gone. It can't happen soon enough for me!!

Weigh-in .....I feel like I lost 3 weeks!

I was shocked to discover this morning that my weight was up by 0.6 lbs this week. I really don't know why. I have had a good week with my eating, and I even cut out all grains and processed carbs this week. I expected more.

However, if there is one thing I have learned in this whole "Healthy Life" journey, it is that the scale does not always reflect our efforts. Or our failures. It goes both ways. So though I am a bit disappointed, I am not discouraged.

I do feel like I "lost" three weeks though...I looked at my stats, and was basically at the same weight three weeks ago! So I have not made progress in any visible manner in those three weeks.

What can't be seen on the scale however, is that I am back to regular exercise again, and I am out of the whole craving sweets mode that was a result of Christmas treats. So I would say I am ahead of the game. I feel good physically, except for a bit of muscle soreness from pushing myself a little in the exercise dept. Here's hoping that a great result shows up on the scale by next week!! :)

Cheese, Glorious Cheese!

I love cheese. Just about all kinds of cheese. But especially melty, stringy, yummy cheese, like muenster and mozarella.

Tonight, on the way home from work, I had a Luna Bar as a snack. (Which by the way, was quite excellent....Chocolate Peppermint Stick, and it tasted like a giant Thin Mint!). Anyway, my son had some cubes of cheese that he had not finished, and I started feeling sooo hungry while we were running some errands. I ended up eating his leftover cheese as my main protein for tonight.

So I am filling it in w/ some sauteed squash and onions. At least the cheese stopped my hunger, but I hate when I spend my dinner calories on stuff that would be better left uneaten! I had some SF jello for dessert, and actually feel quite full right now. I am hoping I can make it to bed w/ out feeling the need to eat anything else. Weigh in is in 2 days!

Preventing Diabetes in Children

Diabetes runs in my family. I am pre-diabetic myself, meaning I have insulin resistance. So far my numbers do not show that I actually have diabetes yet...my fasting blood sugars are okay, and my HGB A1c is in the non-diabetic range. Thank goodness. But knowing I could easily end up with diabetes is one big reason that I wanted to get healthy. I want to prevent it.

Yesterday I went to a conference about diabetes in children. The research is chilling. So many young children are being diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes....the one that can be prevented. It is scary.

I have changed the way that I eat. I don't eat the refined carbs much anymore. But my son still does. I still buy the snack packs for him. He still likes chips and cookies, and chocolate. Although I do encourage him to eat fruit and veggies, that isn't his primary snack choice for the most part. He is not at all overweight, and he is very active, but maybe I need to just stop buying any of those kinds of snacks for him at all. He loves apples and blueberries, and will eat those very readily. If I had no other snacks available, maybe he would make those his first choice.

I don't know. There is a part of me that wants him to be able to be like the other kids....have some Doritos, have a cookie at lunch. He always has something healthy too...like a lite cheese stick, or a yogurt, or some fruit. But is that enough? Am I setting him up for Diabetes later in life? How strict should I be? Is it necessary to restrict his snacks just because I have a problem with those foods? How do you all deal with this with your children??

Brave Blogger Bit Big Black Bean Brownie

Here it is...the long awaited black bean brownie review, by someone who is not counting points, and thus does not care that there are only 2 measley points in one said BBB. (I want to be like Rachael Ray, so my new abbreviation for Black Bean Brownie will be BBB.) It does not have EVOO in it.

The recipe for the BBB is to take one brownie mix and dump it in a bowl. Open a can of black beans and drain off the saliva. Fill the can back up with pure water, allowing the beans a luxurious last swim, before their pulverization. Pour can of beans and water into a blender, and blend away! When bean water resembles a beige colored sludge, stop blending, and pour this mixture into the brownie mix. Stir until well incorporated. Scrape into a 9 X 13 pan, and bake as per box direction.

Appearance and Texture Result: This recipe results in a shiny, slightly gummy version of a chocolate brownie. Though actually if you call them "fudgy" instead of gummy, it psyches you into believing they really are just right. Kind of a cross between a brownie and fudge in consistency. Slightly sticky, but maybe I didn't bake them as long as I should have. The knife was clean when I tested them in the oven, but perhaps another minute or two would have helped.

Taste Result: These brownies were actually very good! There was absolutely no taste of beans at all, and you could not even see one little speck of bean. They were sweet and chocolately. Rather addictive, actually.

I took these little gems to a Super Bowl party last night and fed them to unsuspecting adults and children alike. No one could tell, and when I finally told my mom and aunt what was in them, they were shocked.

So if you want to add a little fiber and protein to your brownies, and have a can of black beans in your cabinet, start baking! But don't be surprised if you end up eating more than one. They are that good.

Love that Trader Joe's...but now I want to eat!

I went shopping at Trader Joe's yesterday, as I was out and about running errands in that part of town. There is only one TJ's "close" to me, and it is about 25 miles away. Not close enough to run to for every week shopping...I have a Food Lion about one mile away, and I can't validate wasting so much gas. But I LOVE Trader Joe's.

It may actually be good that it is not closer than it is, because it might making losing weight be even harder than it is already. Every healthy thing that I bought there looks so yummy that I want to try it!! They had some amazing stuff. Huge cranberry orange muffins that are so full of fiber, that a whole huge muffin is only 240 calories, with tons of fiber, and maybe 6 gms of a healthy oil. It was delicious. Then there was the chipolte hummus. So smoky, spicy and good! The little soft, whole wheat mini pitas were yummy dipped in it. And TJ's own natural peanut butter...excellent! I stocked up on frozen fruits and veggies, and picked up some of their greek style yogurt, which is great. Found some dried pineapple and dried figs to use when the sweet tooth strikes. They are really chewy, and take a while to eat one serving, which is good for me.....slowing down when I eat is something I am working on.

So for dinner last night I didn't really sit down for a meal. I kind of sampled a few things I had bought, and it was enough. I can't wait to go back again and try some more interesting items that I saw there. Trader Joe's is such a great place for new, healthy foods.

On the weigh-in front, I am down to 315.4 this week. Last week I was at 320,but had gained some back w/ that weigh in, so overall I am only down 0.8 in the past two weeks. But at least I am down, and I am hoping for a win for the A Team this week!

What? It's Friday?!

This week went so fast for me. I am a school nurse, and we had two snow days this week, which I LOVED. One day we also went into school 2 hours late. The week just flew.

Eating has been good since Monday. I am enjoying the healthy foods, and get a lot of inspiration from fellow bloggers, especially those that post pictures of their meals. I love it!

Tonight I decided to pull out an old favorite...Boca burgers. I always forget how much I like them. I cooked one up and melted some havarti cheese on top. Added a little raw spinach, some ketchup and mustard, and it was really, really good. Had it w/ some leftover broccoli and some blueberries. I have been hungry though in the past hour or two, so I ate a banana and then an apple. Following my new rule. If I am hungry after dinner, I can only eat fruit or veggies. I have found that by following that standard, it keeps me from mindless nibbling, and I only eat if I am truly hungry.

Weigh In is tomorrow morning. Let's hope it is a good one! :)

Another dinner out..

Well, tonight I had another dinner out. My second of the week. Hope it doesn't play havoc with the weight loss. I tried to plan ahead...didn't eat a snack in the afternoon to save some calories.

I took one of my best friends out for dinner for her birthday. I had a gift card, she had a coupon, and I ended up paying $1.53 for two of us to have a really nice meal. Yay, cheap friend that I am! :)

I got some sort of shrimp dish w/ angel hair pasta. Marinara sauce. It was good. I only ate 1/2 though, and left the other. I have never left food on my plate at a restaurant before. I usually bring it home. But I wasn't sure how it was made, and decided to play it safe and leave it.

So I am hoping that tomorrow will be a good day and I will be able to show a good loss on Saturday. And no more eating out at least until Sunday!

RSVPing depends on the food!

I have noticed lately that there are events that I am invited to that I send my regrets about going to for one simple reason: there will be the temptation of food. I never thought I would be like that. And I am not sure I like it. One thing about this whole weight loss journey is that I am determined not to be "on a diet", but to instead change myself into a healthier person, with a healthier lifestyle that includes exercise and eating foods that are best for my body.

However the holidays were really difficult to remain healthy through. All the parties, the gatherings, the special events...they all had food, and lots of my old favorites. Somehow you get into that holiday spirit of: "Oh what's a little bit of fudge going to hurt?" "It is Christmas, or (insert holiday here.)" "I deserve a break." "I can get back into if after the holidays." Etc, etc. So many ways to rationalize a piece of pie.

And I don't really think eating some goodies is wrong. I think it should be able to be worked into a healthy lifestyle. But I have not developed that special skill yet. I am an "all or nothing" kind of gal. I don't seem to have the ability to eat one amazing piece of cake and then stop. It triggers other nibblings, other tastings, and suddenly, the scale is going up, not down.

I am finally back on track (for the most part) after the holidays, and then I received an invitation for a work related Holiday Party. (They hold it after the actual holidays.) My first thought was: "That sounds fun!" My second thought was: "There will be lots of food that I should not be eating there." It is part catered dinner, part potluck. I decided that the temptation, and possibly setting myself back into a vicious carb craving cycle is just not worth it, so I decided not to go. Another friend was having a party, and invited me. I turned the invite down, because I know the evening will be centered around food.

Now,obviously, if it is something I really want to attend, then I will go, and make a way to pick healthy food to eat. Either by making and bringing it myself, or by finding out if there are healthy alternatives. (Like my cousin's upcoming Super Bowl Party. You bet I will be there!) But I have discovered that if it is an event that I am not 100% sure that I want to go to, I will send my regrets more times than not, because I just don't want to deal with the temptation of food. Does anyone else do that? Or am I the only anti-social food person?

Umm, could we just pretend yesterday didn't happen?

Yesterday was NOT a good day on the food scale. For some reason, I felt really munchy all day long. I was craving pizza. I wanted chocolate. I wanted all things not good for me.

My little guy was off school...but I was at work. I am a school nurse, so there were no kids and really not much that I needed to do. I was bored. Boredom and munchies do not work well together. I had eaten part of my lunch by 10:30, and still didn't feel satisfied.

A little after 12:00 a friend came in and put a pizza box on my desk. "Want some pizza? We went out and couldn't finish it." Nooooooooooooooooo! Not the one thing I am craving! I am strong some days, and weak others. I have turned down many a slice of pizza, many a cupcake. But yesterday I ate some pizza. Not a lot, only about 1 1/2slices. And there was a lot of pizza in the box. But I only ate a little of it. Still.

I did not eat any cupcakes, but honestly, only because there weren't any. I did eat a few cookies. I felt out of control and weak as I shoved them down. I knew it would set me into a carb-craving mode, and I knew I would not feel the greatest physically either, as my body has gotten out of the high fat and sugar meals. The rest of the day was not any better. It involved chocolate (sugar free at least), some chips, a brownie, and one pop tart. Sugar galore.

HOWEVER, today is another day. Fresh start, thank goodness. I am waiting until I am hungry to eat breakfast. Had some coffee and an apple to start the metabolism. I WILL stick to healthy foods today, and I will spend extra time on the treadmill to "pay penance" for yesterday.

We have a snow day today, so I am off of school. I plan to get in even more exercise by shoveling to get off some of those extra calories I consumed yesterday. And I WILL be successful. There is no other option. I'll let you know how it goes. :)

Bummer...Big Gain of 3.8 lbs!

Well, the scale wasn't kind, just as I was expecting. Up 3.8 lbs. The good thing is that I can pretty much blame it on just fluid retention. I know I will lose this gain quickly. However, it is still no fun to see the number going up! Especially when you are trying to help the A Team win another week. (Go Team Angie!!) Hope some others in our group had some pretty big numbers to make up for my gain.

However, the nice thing is that I am back in the exercise swing of things again, and doing that daily torture. Some day I hope it no longer feels like torture! :) That will be a grand day.

Otherwise busy today....just got home from a meeting after church. We had lunch there..fortunately I brought some fruit and ate some Beef Vegetable soup that someone had brought, so it wasn't bad in the food department. Tonight my in-laws want to take us out to a small restaurant I have never been to before. Not sure what will be on the menu! Hopefully I can find something not too damaging. :) Here's to the start of a better weight loss week!!

Mmmmm...hot steaming coffee...

One thing I love is a good cup of coffee. Now,mind you, I am not a real coffee connessoir. In fact, I don't even think I spelled connessoir correctly. But I love a nice cup of hot coffee on a cold day, or pretty much any day.

My favorite is Dunkin Donuts coffee. If I had a choice (and calories didn't count) of choosing a donut or the coffee when I walked into DD, I would take the coffee. It is that good. What I especially like is that it fills me up too. Helps to take away that craving for sweetness or something. I just like it.

So I usually make my own coffee at home in the morning. It is just never as good. Tonight I bought DD own brand of ground coffee, and I am hoping to make a pot tomorrow that resembles what I am sipping right now. :)

I also love their Egg White Flatbread sandwiches - the veggie one. I don't like the turkey sausage one as much. So for dinner I ordered the Veggie Flatbread and a coffee. Of course when I got home, the guy had made the one I specifically didn't want - the Turkey Sausage one. Oh well. Such is life. I ate it anyway. At least he got the coffee right!

Weigh in for me is tomorrow morning. I am not expecting much, as I said the other post. That TOM, and then not exercising as much this week will not help the numbers go down. But I went for a long walk/some jogging this afternoon, and I am hoping that tomorrow morning maybe I will at least break even!!

Why is it so hard???

Every day there are so many choices to make about food. Whether to have eggs in the morning, or oatmeal. Chicken for lunch, or a sandwich. I get tired of having to think so very hard and plan ahead for my meals. But I have to, or I will definitely get off track. I will get so hungry, I will grab whatever looks good, or seems easy, and then I will destroy a whole day's worth of hard work. I hate that.

Today I have kept my eating healthy, and that feels good. But it has been hard. I have craved chocolate, and Fritos, and M&M's. I want them all, and I feel sometimes that it is unfair that I just can't eat some like most people do.

What is even worse is that the scale this week is not moving down, but up. Sure, it is that TOM, but still...I hate that I am trying so hard and not seeing results. I know it will eventually come off, but it seems the number on the scale should be directly related to the amount of times you resisted that food that wasn't good for you. So, say for not eating 20 M&M's, I should lose 2 lbs. Or for not eating a big slice of cheesey, gooey pizza, I should lose at least 1 lb. No cake....2 lbs, no cookies..another two. Wouldn't that be a great way to lose weight???

Uh Oh....Buffet for dinner!

I was out running around doing errands with my son after work, and he wanted to eat at a buffet for dinner. We used to eat at this buffet prior to my making changes in how I eat, and I always left feeling stuffed to the gills. I really didn't want to eat there tonight. But we were hungry, and it was there, and I decided to test myself, and go for it.

I think I passed the test! I was able to make healthy choices for all of it, and I only filled up one plate. Instead of fried chicken or fried shrimp, I got baked salmon. Instead of mashed potatoes or mac and cheese, I got a big old pile of green beans and collard greens. (Which were revolting by the way. Sorry, Southerners.)The green beans were good though, so I ate those. I also had a small baked potato and a little bowl of split pea soup. For dessert, I had a tiny dab of SF pudding. Water to drink.

I had eaten light all day, because I wasn't that hungry, but by the time I came to the buffet, I was truly hungry. I am so glad that I made healthy choices, and I think I will make out just fine despite eating there tonight. It felt good to be in control, and it felt really nice to walk out of there with lightness in my step, not feeling stuffed to the brim. And now that I am home, I don't have to fix dinner or clean up. Double hooray! :)

Blogs are taking over my life!!

Okay, I think I need a course in time management. I just can't do it all anymore! Yesterday I didn't get a chance to post...too much happening in my household. The munchkin is sick, and clothes need washing, the sink is full, and a mouse needs to be caught. Blogging just ended up not happening.

Eating is going well, though I still have to work on the exercise thing. I find it so inspirational to sit and read other weight loss blogs that I end up just sitting there for an hour or so, reading about ideas on what to make, or how to get more exercise in, etc. It helps to see others struggling with the same issues that I am, trying to get healthy.

But spending that much time on the blogs is not helping to keep my house in order, or to get my workouts in. So I am going to have to limit my time at the computer, in order to be a better mom and to have a clean house with clean dishes and clean clothes!!

Please know I am still fully engaged in this BLBE battle, but that I just might not be posting every single day without fail. And I may not be able to comment on other's blogs as much as I would like. But I am fighting the good fight, and the A Team will prevail! :)

Movie and Lunch out today.....

My son wanted to go see "Hotel for Dogs", so we went today to the big mall in town. The one with all the many places to eat. He wanted to eat at a Mexican place, so we went in. I was hungry, but afraid I would overdo it on everything that this place serves...their portions are HUGE. I wished I could just order a child's size plate, but they didn't allow it. Nor did they allow lunch portions today, because it was a holiday. Huh? I don't follow that one.

Anyway, I had about 8 tortilla chips with salsa, then just ended up ordering a chicken tortilla soup, instead of an entree. It was really, really good. My son got the soft beef taco, and I had about two bites of it that he didn't finish, along with his fresh fruit he didn't want.

Overall, I think I did great at controlling what I ate. I could have eaten so much more...but chose not to. He left his fries on his plate after eating a few, so we had no leftovers to carry into the movie with us. Of course popcorn was a must for the boy, and I got him a child pack. He ate almost all the popcorn...I had maybe one small handful and that was enough.

By the time the movie was over, I was getting really hungry again. The soup portion was not very large, and though tasty, did not have much chicken in it either! I elected to drive home though, instead of wandering the mall and having to resist temptation. Just had a bowl of oatmeal and two clementines, and enjoyed every bite. Tonight for dinner I may just have some veggies with a slice of cheese, or a hardboiled egg. Then it is back to work tomorrow.....where I can generally stay on track a little bit more easily!

Down SEVEN pounds!

Woo hoo! Well, it is actually seven pounds in almost two weeks, but hey! I will take what I can with that. My start weight with the Biggest Loser Challenge was 323, and I am now down to 316! I am so thrilled to be losing again. And 316 is a number I have not seen before in this journey's downward trend. I had seen 317 right before Thanksgiving, but couldn't get myself back on track to lose anymore since then.

Today is the big test with the wings and the chocolate cake made with horse poop for icing. (That's what I am telling myself.) I already called my mother in law and told her not to order me any wings, and that I wasn't going to eat any cake. Now she will be watching me! :) Of course that wouldn't really stop me. Not if I wanted it badly enough. But losing these seven pounds for the first BLBE weigh in result has helped me to want to really keep on losing.

GO TEAM ANGIE!! :)

Finally Back to Exercising!

Since Christmas, I have really fallen off of the exercise bandwagon. I don't know why. For the past two weeks, my eating has been pretty healthy, under contol. But my activity level has been...well, can we say Sedentary? (Yes, it needed a capital S.)

I had been walking outside every day for at least 30 min, and when I couldn't get outside, I did the treadmill. No big deal. A little arm work with the bands, and I was good to go. Since my "break" I have had absolutely no desire to do anything. In some ways, I have felt like doing very little in every aspect of my life. I would really like to just curl up with some hot tea, a blanket, and a good book. Hibernate. I sit and look at things that need to be done around the house, and just avoid them by going to read some more blogs. It is sad. :)

However, today I said, "Enough is enough!" I actually did a WATP tape. The one miler. Not much. But at least a start. In a bit I am going to do the bands, and maybe do the tape again tonight. I need to get back into a routine. I am so inspired by so many other BLBE'ers that are out there at the gym, or running, or ellipticaling, or whatever. You guys rock. Thanks for showing me how it should be done.

I'm Not Going to Do It!

Not going to eat the cake that is. My resolve is sure. The other hard part of this dinner coming up is that the birthday boy wants wings for dinner. Last year was the same, I remember everyone just eating wings and cake. Not a great idea for me.

SO I have planned to bring my own dinner there, (my MIL won't care, except to feel bad that she has not provided something that I would like to eat), and I may even bring a pudding cup to eat when everyone else is having cake.

Part of what is difficult about this whole getting healthy journey is that I don't want to feel like I am on a diet. So I have decided that if there is something out there I really desire, I should eat it, and maybe cut back in other areas to make up for it. Kind of like the WW mentality of points, and frankly, it is just how many thin people eat all the time.

However, I have realized in this past year that sometimes that works, but most of the time it doesn't work for me. I have a serious problem w/ sugar. My body gets the most vicious cravings when I indulge in sugar, and it takes a long time to get away from those cravings. I have gradually learned that I can't deviate into Candyland unless I want to end up in a horrible cycle of eating worthless calories, etc.

Thanks to all of your comments...you really helped me to solidify this decision, and I will definitely NOT eat the cake on Sunday. :)

Cake or No Cake? That is the question..

I have been giving way too much thought to a stupid piece of chocolate cake. Back around Christmas, my mother-in-law served this delectable chocolate cake w/ chocolate mousse in the middle, and chocolate butter cream icing on the outside. The cake itself was rich, chocolately, and all that a cake should be. I had a piece then, amidst the indulging of holiday times, and enjoyed it so very much.

Fast forward to this week. The aforementioned cake was huge. We did not eat the whole thing that Christmas. So my dear MIL wrapped it up carefully and froze it. She announced last Sunday that she is thawing it for my nephew's birthday party this Sunday night.

Nooooooooooooooooooooo! Say it isn't so! I have been back on track. I have lost the weight I gained over the holidays. I have detoxified myself from the sugar cravings. And she plans to offer me a slice of THE best cake I have ever eaten?? What do I do? I have been thinking about it all week.

I could just eat it, work it into my day, and move on. But if I have learned one thing in this journey, it is that I can never stop after one sugar-filled piece of cake, or cookie, or candy, or whatever. It is not the way I am made.

So I have made the decision NOT to eat the cake on Sunday. Pray that I will be strong. I know that a normal person could just cut back on other calories for the day, and manage the piece of cake without much damage. But I am not normal. (My sisters have told me that for years..it must be true.) I am not normal in my eating habits, or I wouldn't still weigh over 300 lbs, despite losing 80 in this past year. I doubt I will ever have a "normal" relationship with food. I can't be like other people. I just have to deal with this demon the best way I can. For me, that is remaining cakeless on Sunday. Jello pudding anyone??

Busy Day = Less Food. Hooray!

Yesterday I had the munchies. I was not too busy at work, and just wanted to eat all day long. Though I managed to make healthy choices, and stay okay within my calories, I felt like I wanted to just munch and munch and munch. I don't like those days.

Today was very different. I was really busy at work, and though I had planned for a snack mid-morning, I found I blew right threw it, and was reminded only when my stomach started actually growling. Then I had my snack..got busy again, and it suddenly was lunch time! After work I had some errands to run, and it was only when I felt really hungry again on the way home, that I realized I had missed my afternoon snack too. I ate an apple, and felt okay until supper.

I love when I am actually physically hungry when I eat, and not just "mind hungry". Staying busy seems to be the key, unfortunately, my busy-ness at work ebbs and flows beyond my control. Here's to more busy days in the future!! :)

I've Lost 400 pounds!!

Really I have. Well, not necessarily recently. But throughout my life. There have been about 2 times in the past 20 years that I successfully dropped over 100 lbs, several other occasions where I lost 40-60 lbs, and a few 20 lbs lost here and there. I added it all up, and it is about 400 lbs. Close to what I weighed the beginning of 2008. Amazing. If only I could have kept it all off, I would weight about 3 lbs today. :)

But seriously, I mean what is wrong with me (and most of America), that we can't keep weight off after we lose it? I think that what all those health experts have been saying for years is true....diets don't work. Lifestyle change does. But here is the funny thing. I still see the WW plan as a "diet". To me, a diet is a plan that has rules and restrictions about what you can eat, and when. The points system w/ WW does have a limit of how many you can use in a day, week, etc. The Core plan is better, but still has rules about what is, and is not, considered Core. (And I know they actually don't call them that anymore, that it is Momentum.)

So actually, for the past year, I have been working with a Fitness coach from the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, to "become healthier." I do kind of follow a "health plan", and do a certain minimum of exercise weekly. For the first time, I truly don't feel like I am on a diet. Mainly because I am telling myself that I don't have to be perfect. I do want to change my lifestyle...I want to eat leaner proteins, less fat, better carbs, and almost no sugar. And I do that most of the time. But occasionally I will have a piece of cheesecake, or whatever, and I don't "count the points for it and move on", I just move on. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not putting down WW. It is an amazing, amazing weight loss company that has helped millions lose weight, myself included. But I am just not sure it is the greatest at helping people maintain. When you get down to the maintenance part of WW, it is really tough!! I have seen so many of my friends from the WW boards struggle with this. I think there has to be a better way.

One problem I had in the past, after I lost those 100 lbs twice, was that I was PERFECT on the plan during my losing period, and the weight started melting away. Once I deviated from the plan even a little, (both times it was deviating on vacation that started it), I could not get my act back together for the life of me. I struggled so much to get back on plan, and finally gave up. Thus, the weight returned.

This time, I know the weight is not coming back. Because I really have learned to choose the healthier foods for feeling my best....and even though I occasionally pick some foods that aren't the best for me, I don't get that negative feeling of "oh, I have blown my whole diet - what a loser!" . And my mindset for once is not on the amount of weight lost, but on how I feel. And I feel good. I would love to lose weight rapidly, but for myself, perhaps that is not best. I'd rather not focus on the number, because I know the weight will continue to go down, as long as I choose the healthier way to eat. There's no "race" that I am competing in...there's no reason I have to weigh such and such a weight by a certain date. And I am glad.

Oh, I hate feeling stuffed!

Usually I try to follow the rule of thumb to eat something every 3 hours throughout the day. My fitness coach says it keeps your body's metabolism going better, and I have gotten used to it, and miss it when I don't snack.

So this morning I ate breakfast at around 7:30. Two scrambled eggs, and 2 Nutrigrain waffles, w/ a little lite butter and SF syrup. It was plenty, had some coffee, felt nicely full.

However, since I am in church from 9:30 to 12:30, I am not able to eat a snack at my regular 3 hour point...typically somewhere in the 10-11 hour range. And of course after church, I had to run to the store to get a few essentials for the week...milk, eggs, bread, fruit. By the time I got home, it was 1:30. I was soooo hungry!

I made a quick lite ham sandwich on a toasted lite English muffin, with spinach leaves, lite swiss cheese, and mustard. Then had some leftover beans w/ small bits of chicken and turkey sausage in it that I had pulled from the freezer. It filled me up right good. But I still ended up eating a little mock pumpkin pie for dessert. Why? I don't know. I was actually full by then. I think I kind of just get into an eating "frenzy", because I am so hungry when I start.

So now I am unpleasantly full. I know I didn't eat too many points, or calories, but I still didn't need all that. That is one lesson I can't seem to learn on this journey....when I really feel full....STOP eating!! Or only eat until satisfaction. I just can't seem to find that perfect place. I am working on it though! And I will somehow have to sneak in a snack on church day. Maybe inbetween Sunday school and the worship service...I could scarf down a string cheese. :) Or have one in the car to eat immediately afterwards. Anything to prevent the ferocious hunger that takes over my body.

Salt is not my friend....

I got on the scale today, and was up three pounds from yesterday. Huh?? Then I realized that I had eaten a lot of sodium yesterday in the foods I had. It is water retention, pure and simple. I hate that. Thank goodness weigh in is tomorrow for me, and not today!! I also felt kind of ......er........how can I say this..backed up, despite the amount of fiber I have been eating.

So my plan for today is to eat clean foods that are low in sodium, and also to drink lots of water and get some serious exercise in to get things moving. Started off with some prunes and oatmeal for breakfast. That should be a good beginning point. And I had a couple of cups of coffee to boot. Just ate an apple for a snack. Yes, it is my own version of a cleansing in one day! :) Truly, it is really just not fair for the scale to appear as if I have been eating with abandon. It just isn't.

So by tomorrow morning, I hope the fluid is gone, and that the colon has willingly given up its horde. Sorry if this was TMI, but it is the reality of being in the BLBE challenge. All extra weight, be it in the form of fluid or processed food must exit my body immediately! Team Angie must prevail!

No more money on food!!

I made a vow the first of this week to stop buying food. I have been spending too much. Not only on eating out over the holidays, but on fresh fruit and veggies, and chicken, etc. My problem is that if I see a sale....I buy it!! Then the food sits in my freezer until it becomes old and dries up and flakes away.

With the economy the way it is, I am crazy to let food sit in the pantry and freezer, uneaten. Even though I would prefer fresh meat, or fresh veggies and fruit, I have plenty of frozen or canned stuff. So I have decided to stop buying almost everything except milk, bananas, apples, and yogurt for my son. I should save a huge amount in the supermarket, and I am hoping that I will be eating pretty healthy...since I have a lot of dried beans and canned veggies to experiment with.

Made some great eating decisions today...we ordered out at lunch for a birthday, from a place that makes fantastic sandwiches. I chose a salad. Also, there was yummy baked breads sitting around all morning from a meeting. I didn't eat any. Then, there were black bottom cheesecakes....little small ones for the birthday girl. My friends were saying..."Oh Sue, just eat one, take a break. You deserve it, blah blah blah." I resisited their evil urgings, and had some yogurt. I feel good about that. Hope the scale rewards me for my virtue! :)

Have a great weekend everybody! :)

The "good for me food" tastes good again!

When ever I deviate from eating healthy, it is really hard to get back on track. One reason is because the sugar and fat of unhealthy choices seem to deaden my taste buds, and my true hunger. So then when I try to get back on track, the healthy food just doesn't appeal to me.

It usually takes me about 2-3 days of eating right before..HALLELUJAH!...I enjoy eating veggies again. I look forward to a fresh, juicy orange. And a sliced tomato on a plate looks good to me. :) Then it is a lot easier to eat those yummy, good for you foods.

For example, last night I was truly hungry before bed. I decided that a plate of steamed broccoli sounded very good. And that is what I had. It was tasty. Tonight, my dinner was kind of "cleaning out the fridge" leftover night. I had some tomato soup, (I love Campbell's w/ lots of black pepper - even though I know it may not be the healthiest brand!), a lean ham sandwich on lite ww bread, and then, to fill in the crevices, some mixed veggies cooked on the stove. The veggies were so awesome! They filled me up, and I enjoyed every bite. Last week I wouldn't have even entertained the thought! Veggies, ewww. Fudge....yum. But now, honestly, the thought of fudge doesn't even appeal. Ahhh, I am detoxed and lovin' it.

Go team Angie!! :)

There's no puke on my treadmill...

I guess I am not workin' it hard enough. Last night I watched in disbelief as one contestant on the Biggest Loser vomited while running on the treadmill and kept right on going. I am a nurse, so I am used to people "giving it back" so to speak....but usually they stop, find a bucket or something, and give themselves a moment to get it all out.

I have NEVER worked out so hard that I felt like throwing up. Granted, I have gone on long walks, uphill hikes, and such, where I felt just spent afterwards. Shaky legs, weary to the bone. But I have not been pushed so hard that I can't keep my food down.

Honestly, I don't think I want to be pushed that hard. I want to do a reasonable amount of exercise, every day, to be healthy. I want to be able to maintain that amount of exercise every day for as long as I can move. I someday want to be one of "those" people who say that they LOVE exercise. (That day can't come too soon, as far as I am concerned.)

So I will be on the treadmill tonight. My nice clean, non-vomited-upon treadmill. And I will walk for my team....Team Angie! And I will walk for myself! Team Shrinking Sue! But Iwon't be spewing forth for Jillian. Not tonight.

Oh Evil Chocolate....Flee from my presence..

Day two of the challenge. And I have eaten too much. Sigh. It started out well and good. Had a great day at work, ate well all day. But then when I got home, I started sampling the beef stew I had thrown into the crockpot. It was really, really good. Some lean chunks of beef, with one can of whole potatoes, some baby carrots, a quartered onion, some beef bullion, and a can of tomato sauce. It turned into a delicious savory stew. But it was so yummy, I just kept sampling it. Then my son wanted chocolate, so I gave him some chocolate chips. Of course I had just a measured few. Which suddenly turned turned into a few leftover dwarf gingerbread men, sans heads of course, and then some peanuts and raisins. It didn't stop there. Now I am stuffed, I know I have gone over my allottment of points, calories, fat grams and sugar quotia for the week. Sigh.

It is amazing to me how easy it is to be strong in this eating department one day, and then so weak the next. There were no emotional triggers, there were no moments of boredom or eating out of being distraught. I just was hungry, ate something, and then kept going, as was my habit for so many years. (Hence I was almost 400 lbs!). Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why.

Okay, so I have laid it all out here, and I am moving forward. For the rest of this week, I vow to stay within my points...to the letter! And since I have already used up my 35 extra for the week today...that means staying exactly at my points every day. No splurges. I know I can do it.

Away from me oh chocolately goodness! I'm cutting you off for good! Oh, and were we talking about exercise..........................?

Whooo Hooooo! The race is on!

I am so excited to be starting this challenge with the BLBE. It is going to be awesome! Of course my biggest goal all along has been to just become healthier, by eating whole foods and less of them, and by exercise. You know. Actually moving.

However, now that I am in this challenge, I am starting to want to drop some serious pounds! Today went pretty well.....it was back to work, and I had packed my lunch, as I find I can stick to healthy eating so much better by packing.

After work, my son wanted to go see the movie "The Tale of Desperaux". Mid-way through the movie, I began to think how yummy that cartoon piece of cheese looked onscreen. Perhaps I should have brought a snack. I ended up eating about 2-3 pts of popcorn then, but was able to control it pretty well. Got home and had some fish and veggies. Now I think a nice hot cup of tea would be grand!

I am a school nurse in an elementary school, and I live near Baltimore, Maryland, in the good old US of A. I don't get much activity during the day, but I am hoping to start getting up really early in the a.m. to get on that dreaded treadmill. That's my goal anyway. I'll let you know tomorrow night!

LET THE BATTLE BEGIN!! :)

New year....new goal!

I am not really one for setting a New Year's goal, so to speak. In the past, I have not kept them, and invariably, they all revolved around diets. But last year, in 2008, I set a goal that I managed to keep. I decided to live healthier....eat better and move more, and I actually accomplished that goal last year, for the most part. There were days I could have definitely improved my eating, and days I never got in any exercise. But for the most part, I was really changing.

So here I am at the start of 2009. I am still morbidly obese, and I am striving to take off pounds instead of adding them. This past month has been difficult, with holiday gatherings and sweets everywhere. For inspirations, sometimes I have looked online at other people who were trying to get healthy too. One of those bloggers has really inspired me.......Angie all the Way. She has already lost about a hundred pounds, and is still working it to get down to her goal weight. I am inspired by her dedication to that goal, and I am amazed by her decision to take pictures of everything she puts in her mouth. It is working for her.

Angie has been the moderator for the Biggest Loser Blog edition...and Challenge #1 just ended. I want to be in on Challenge #2, because, well, I've always loved a good challenge! And I could use a little motivation right now. So I have created this blog to be able to be a part of the new challenge.

Here's to a continued downward trend for me! And along the way, I hope to encourage and be encouraged by my fellow biggest losers. :)