Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I Have to do it.....

Tomorrow and for the next seven days, I am going to do a Juice Fast. I really feel as if I have lost all semblance of control when it comes to my eating. Each day I get up and start anew, and I ask God for help in controlling what I eat. Each afternoon I come home from school and I just eat. And eat. And eat. I don't want to think about what I am eating, I just want to shovel it in. It has to stop.

I feel like I am totally abusing my body, showing disrespect to it and to God by eating in this manner. So I have decided to do a fast for a week. I don't think I could do water only, but I am going to do my best to do a juice only fast. If I feel shaky or sick, I may do one with protein shakes, but I would like to do just juice if I can. I want to detoxify and cleanse myself from the JUNK I have been eating, and get away from food period. I have to stop the hold that it has on me right now, and deny myself what I want most....which is food. Food, food and more food. Not food for sustenance. Not food for energy. But food for food's sake. Food for entertainment, enjoyment, satisfaction. This week, I want to find my satisfaction away from food, and nearer to God.

It is not even about the number on the scale anymore. Which I am sure is way up. It is about my relationship to food, and my warped view right now. I want to honor God in all that I do, and right now I am not honoring Him at all with my eating habits. If you are a believer, please add me to your prayer list this week...I am surely going to need the extra prayers!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

I'm Not So Sure Avoiding the Scale was Smart....

It has been three weeks since I have weighed in. THough I have enjoyed not weighing in, and I have LOVED not having the scale hanging over me, I am not sure it was a good idea to stop weighing. I can feel that my weight is up. Significantly.

The main problem is that I have lost control. Now to be honest, whether I was weighing or not, I still think I would be in this situation. I could feel it coming on. I just did NOT want to think about planning meals or eating healthy, or anything! I just wanted a break. The sad part is, once I stop that tight rein on what I eat, I get into vicious cycles of cravings, and it is so hard to stop.

I am trying to stop right now. I will be weighing in on April 1st. It is not going to be pretty. My meals and snacks lately have been ugly. But,and this is a huge butt...(tee hee)...I am never giving up. I will persevere, and get back on track. I must, for myself and my son. I will not give up the fight!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Stir Fried Rice...without the Rice!

Howdy Bloggees! :) Things have been going pretty well food-wise. I feel better, and I am enjoying eating the apples, veggies, and chicken again. And I have eaten a lot of Stir Fry this week. "Why?", you may ask. Well, I will tell you.

About two weeks ago, my MIL made some delicious Shrimp Fried Rice. It was sooooo good. She stir fried chopped snap peas, mushrooms, carrots, onions, and rice in some olive oil, then added a scrambled egg. Her only seasonings were S&P and soy sauce. It was truly delicious! I found myself craving it this week. So I decided to make something similar. I chopped up a ton of veggies, all different kinds, and stir fried them in a small amt of olive oil. Added the egg, but skipped the rice. Also put in some diced chicken. S&P and soy sauce as well. It was great! I have been eating it all week. And still like it! Truly I don't miss the rice that much, and this makes it all healthy, though a bit high in sodium. It has helped me to stay on track this week.

I have decided that I am still not weighing in tomorrow though. I don't know how Angie will deal with that....if she has to take me out of the challenge, I understand. I emailed her to explain what I was doing at the start of this month by not weighing. It has truly helped me to feel better about where I am in this journey right now, to not have to look at that scale! I am going to wait until April 1st to weigh myself. I surely hope it is at least even. Maybe even lower. That would be awesome. But either way, it has been a gift to just not worry about it.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I think the detox was delayed......

Well, I had good intentions. Always seems that way. However, I have found myself making really unhealthy choices this week. My uncle unexpectedly died on Monday. I know that I am sometimes an emotional eater. In other words, to try not to think about things, I will distract myself with food. Or I will eat to increase the release of endorphins, to feel better. The loss of my uncle triggers many sad feelings about the loss of my own husband 4 years ago, and I have been trying to be very supportive of my aunt. I just have not felt like working/focusing on the diet or the exercise. It has been the last thing on my mind.

To top it all off, I was away this weekend, at a hotel that had food included in the weekend. Since of course I was not eating healthy all week, I extended that this weekend. So silly.

Anyway, I feel like I REALLY need to start eating healthy again. I don't feel great when I am indulging in the foods that are not good for me, and I am ready to get back on the treadmill too. I have to do it. And I will. Next week I have to weigh in again for the challenge. At least I will have one good week under my belt. Hope you are all doing better than I am!!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Let the Detox begin!!

The liberation from my scale has also brought along with it some feelings of "Oh, go ahead and have some icecream, or donut, or chips, etc....you don't have to weigh in for 3 weeks. THIS WILL NOT CONTINUE. I do not want to have a "free for all" with food, or I will be up 15 pounds at my next weighin.

Therefore, I have decided to put myself on a detox plan starting tomorrow morning. I want to stay away from all breads and pastas, refined carbs, etc, for at least one week. Just fruits, veggies, and lean proteins to eat. I usually start to feel so much better and just "leaner" when I do that. It also gives me the energy to add that exercise back into it, and hopefully at the previous level.

I really want to give it my all these next few weeks, and see a nice loss when I step on that scale again. I especially want to show my fitness coach that I wanted a break from the scale not to go hog wild, but just to stop the focus on the numbers every day. Thanks for all the words of support, and the suggestions. I am definitely going to mix it up a little, and add in a LOT more exercise! You guys are the best.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Say Goodbye to My Scale.....

I have made a decision. I am obsessing about the number on the scale way too much right now. I find myself stepping on and off, and hating how much my weight loss has slowed down. I compare myself to the Biggest Losers (both on TV and in this challenge!), and I HATE IT. I hate what I have become...happy if it shows a loss.... disappointed if it is the same...tense if it shows a gain. I am tired of focusing on the numbers. I think it is starting to lead me to self-sabotage.

So I am putting the scale away. For at least two weigh ins. (I still want to be able to remain in the challenge, but I am going to purposefully not post my weight for two times, so that I can go w/out weighing for about 3 weeks.) I will weigh in again in time to not be kicked out. But I think I need this for my sanity. I want to go back to basics again, eating all the right things, exercising properly, and NOT getting bent out of shape by what the scale does or doesn't say. I have to do it. And I surely hope it doesn't backfire! :)

I have been on this healthy life journey for about a year now, and the excitement is LONG gone. It is motivating when you are eating right and see the pounds coming off. But when you are doing the same things and the pounds are not budging, it becomes scary. Scary because I think: "Is this it? Do I have to increase my exercise to Biggest Loser amounts to lose anymore weight? Do I have to restrict my calories further? Cut out all simple pleasures? Lop off my left leg? What else do I have to do to lose weight again at a decent rate??"

I do know that the answer does not lie in stepping on and off the scale several times a day. That is for sure. I will never give up this fight to lose more weight, but I can certainly make the journey more pleasant, and right now that means not seeing my shiny Healthometer staring at me from the hall each morning! Naggy little thing. :)

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Oops, I did it again!

I caved at my parent's house this weekend. It is not anyone's fault but my own. My Mom and Dad are great about making healthy food for me while we are there. But I just feel like a different person when I am around my family. I feel like the Old Sue, who ate whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted it. And there are lots of snacks available in their house....sitting around....tempting me all the time. Things I could easily resist at home seem to have a special lure. It is weird.

Anyway, I did not do very well this weekend. And as I suspected, it has been hard to get back on track.I am hungry this week too, after not being real hungry last week because I was sick. Not a good combination.

Tomorrow night I am going out with some friends to a long-planned dinner date at The Cheesecake Factory. That does not thrill me right now. The company does, but even if I am careful, I probably will not come out ahead if I eat at that restaurant.

But I am giving it my best, and I am never, ever, ever giving up!! I will persevere, and get it together enough to at least break even this week. :)