Yes, I have been avoiding my blog..

It is difficult to blog when you are out of control with eating. It is really, really, hard to step on the scale too. But today, I am doing both. I am blogging, though I am not liking it, and I stepped on the scale, which I really didn't like. I am up to 346. I cannot believe it. Well, I can. I mean, I know what I have been eating, and I know what my body does when I am not super careful with what I eat. So I am up by 33 lbs in about the last 2 months. 10 weeks if I am counting, but I obviously haven't been counting anything lately. Ha ha! (Small joke for some levity.)

Anyway, you would think I would be depressed, but honestly I am not. I am determined. Determined to make tomorrow the day I get back on track and start eating only healthy foods. No processed carbs, no sugar, no candy or cookies or cake. No chips, no chocolate. Nothing that packs on the pounds.

Of course, have you ever noticed how easy it is to make a promise like that when you have a full stomach? And late at night? Sooooo easy. But hard to keep in the light of day, in the middle of a stressful day at work and legitimate hunger. However, I am determined to give it the old college try...because I am never, ever going to throw in the towel on my life. I want to live, and losing weight is the only way I will get that life! I will post in tomorrow night, and let you know how it is going!

Helllllppppp!

Okay, I feel helpless. I really do. Do you know how you feel when you are trying to eat healthy, trying to eat right, and yet keep shoving junk in your mouth all day? That is where I am. Any semblance of control or healthy eating is out the door.

Yet every morning I wake up determined to get back on track. It is horrible. I know I can never give up, but I am feeling so blah about how out of control I am, and hating how I am gaining weight again instead of losing, that I feel really awful.

Anyway, I just want to touch base with all my blogger friends and tell you that I am alive, and I know I will get back into it again soon! I just want to feel healthy again, and lose more. I know I can do it, I just have to stop this vicious cycle. Hope you all have wonderful Memorial Day weekend!!

Making Plans to Get back at it!

As many of you know, I have been struggling of late. Struggling to eat right and exercise. My knee is feeling much better, and I could definitely do walking again, but I just haven't. I have been eating junk, and LOTS of it, and I am not sure why.

Today, I was talking to a friend who also struggles w/ weight loss. She had just signed up for a program like Optifast, and I was trying to talk her out of it. I told her: "The 'secret' to weight loss is simply this : eating healthy foods, within a certain calorie range, and increasing your activity and exercise". The Optifast type plan she was going to start involved only liquids and bars, and was a miniscule 880 calories a day. I had done Optifast in the past, and though I lost weight on it, I re-set my metabolism so low, I had a hard time losing weight after a certain time, and when I began eating real food again, all of the weight came back. Oh, and did I mention I needed my gall bladder removed after the Optifast session?

As I was talking to my friend, I felt like I was talking to myself. I really need to get my act together. Tomorrow I am counting calories again. I am cooking my veggies, and eating apples, and lean meats. I am getting on the scale in the morning, though it will probably make me weep. :) I am NOT going to gain all the weight back that I have lost. It must stop now. And it will. I am going to tap back into that "secret" that I know works. Thanks for all your encouraging thoughts and comments. It is a lifelong journey and struggle, but it is nice to have such good friends along the way!

I am still here!

Just wanted to send out a quick "hi!" to everyone still reading this blog. :) I have been spending some time at my parent's house over the Easter Break, and SHOCKINGLY, they have no internet access!!

To complicate matters, I fell running up the stairs (takes talent to do that) and cut a big laceration in my right knee on Wednesday night a week ago, and have 9 staples in it right now. I am not supposed to be bending it, so stairs are not fun. Since I have been home, I haven't been downstairs much, and that is where the computer is. Plus the idea of catching up on all my emails and blogs was overwhelming!

Food wise I am still struggling. Sadly, I cannot exercise right now, and that is another stumbling block. However, yesterday my goal was not to eat any chocolate or Easter Candy at ALL. I was able to do that, so I am happy about at least doing one right thing. Now to cut out all JUNK completely and get back to losing weight. I am SO ready!

I think it is about time for an update!

I can't believe I haven't posted for four days!! I meant to, and just got crazy busy. ("Busy eating everything in sight?" you may be thinking.) Ha ha. Not really. I did make it to almost three days with the juice fast. But then Friday afternoon I began to get a headache every time I stood up, and I truly just didn't feel great. I was at work, and since I take care of little kids as a nurse, I didn't feel it was wise to continue to fast at that point.

I broke my fast with a salad, and it sure was good! I have not really gone overboard with food since then, but I haven't been super-restrictive either. It felt so good to be in control and not be eating those three days. I loved the way I felt physically also, until that last afternoon. I would do it again definitely.

But for now, I must survive a 4 day weekend at my parents, full of Easter goodies. I am so sad that I have been struggling to lose anything since November of last year. What wasted time! I really need to get my act together, but sometimes it seems impossible. It is amazing that food can have that much of a stronghold over me. Sad, really.

I hope everyone has a blessed Easter. I'll check in again when I get back!

Day 2 is OVER!

Last night was definitely the hardest night I have had. Overall the hunger hasn't been unbearble....and I have felt very good for the most part. But last night around 9:30 pm, I felt really "empty". :) I toyed long and hard with the idea of breaking the fast, but in the end did not. I know that hunger is a part of denying yourself food, and it is inevitable. But I have not suffered w/ the weakness, the headaches, the dizziness, anything I thought I might. Since the whole purpose of this fast was to get control over the hold that food had on me, I didn't want to cave into it so quickly.

I am glad I didn't. I feel great this morning. I have no hunger right now, and I hope I have passed the hunger stage. I want to continue this for the full seven days if possible....I want to make sure that all cravings for unhealthy food are gone for a long time!

It amazes me that I am starting my 3rd day of fasting from food. I never in a million years would imagine that I would voluntarily do such a thing! I am surprising myself. Well, I must get ready and go to work. One nice side effect of fasting is that you have more time for other things when you do not spend it preparing, eating, and thinking of meals. It is a nice break. :)

The Weigh In.....Dun dun dun dunnnnnn......

Well, I promised I would weigh in on April 1st. Today is the day. I have mentioned that I have been out of control with my food/eating for the past month. Well, that was reflected in my weigh in. I gained 14 lbs, and am up to 327. I knew it would be bad.

The good news is that I have almost made it through Day One of my juice fast. I can't believe it. In the past, I have never fasted. Ever. The thought of going without food scared me. I am the kind of person who goes to a dinner at someone else's house, and tries to figure out if there is going to be enough food for everyone. I do not like being without food.

Although I have done well with healthy eating this past year, I hesitated to restrict myself too much, for the fear it would become a "Diet" and not a lifestyle. The idea of fasting was not pleasant to me. But strangely enough, once I made the decision to fast, I felt relieved this time. I was looking forward to it. Forward to the control I hoped to gain when I fasted. Don't get me wrong, I know fasting to lose weight is not a good option. In fact, that is not why I am doing this. I want to gain my control back, and stop the cravings. I have done Opti-fast in the past, lost a lot of weight, gained it all back plus. I know fasting for weight loss isn't the answer.

But strangely, today was good. No, make that GREAT. I was hungry, but it was bearable. I made it through, my blood sugar was fine, I didn't feel weak or headachey, or tired. I felt good. I didn't mind not eating. I was happy not to have to make a food choice, (healthy or otherwise.)

I will let you know how Day 2 goes tomorrow. They say the hunger fades after 1-2 days. Like I said, I don't know because I have only ever fasted to get blood work done before. (Optifast doesn't count, because they have shakes and soups and supplements as well.) It sure feels good to feel free from that compulsion to eat junk!